Self Storage Business Invests in Cryogenics

posted in Latest News by Frederic at 9:29 on Mar 31st, 2016
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London-based Self Storage Business Keeps Cool

Following almost two decades of ongoing research and significant investment, a London based self storage business has finally perfected a commercial cryogenic solution. Attic Self Storage is proud to announce a brand new storage option for everybody.

And they do mean every body.

In a giant leap forward for self-storage, Attic now invites you to think about storing yourself using their cutting-edge cryopreservation technology.

Working with Cryobiologist Dr Dayong Gao from the University of Washington, Seattle, Attic Self Storage has developed a unique secure chamber of liquid nitrogen capsules that gives clients customers more options than just living in ‘the now’.

They are calling the pods ‘frooze’ units, because they allow the user to take what amounts to a relaxing snooze, whilst they are deep frozen, to wake up at a future date of their choosing.

Don’t like the way the country is going? Frooze yourself until the economic climate improves. Fed up with your partner? Drift off into a climate-controlled slumber until they are so old and frail they can’t argue anymore. Want to escape the kids? Shut yourself away in soundproofed luxury until they have left school, finished university and got themselves a job.

And no, you don’t have to wait until you’re ill or dead to take the plunge. Anyone between the ages of 18 and 80 can get away for a week, a month, or anywhere up to 200 years. In a brilliant move, Attic has applied the flexibility typically associated with self storage, to cryogenics.

Imagine. You can come back when the vote over European membership is done, dusted and forgotten; when the NHS, bees and planet have all been saved; when hover cars, jet packs and interplanetary transporter beams are in everyday use.

The whole process is completely safe and painless. Once you enter the cryonics facility, the firms offers clients a hot drink before they snuggle down in their very own, personal “FroozePod”, where you will be gently lulled to sleep with soft music and pleasant tranquillisers.

Your body is then cooled to just above freezing point, while your blood is slowly replaced with an advanced cryoprotectant solution. This prevents the formation of ice crystals in your vital organs and tissues. Meanwhile, you are chilled to a cool -130 degrees celsius.

The final step is to lower the body into a tank of liquid nitrogen, which is kept at a constant -196 degrees below zero. This temperature is low enough to slow any chemical processes in your cells and tissues sufficiently to keep you looking as young and beautiful as you are on the day of your big freeze.

In the unlikely event that any parts of your body are adversely affected, Attic remains confident that future nanotechnology will be able to repair them.
And they are offering a full no-quibble money-back guarantee. (Providing currency still exists in the future).

Latest figures reveal that around 150 people have had their whole body stored in liquid nitrogen in the United States. 80 have had just their heads or brains preserved. Patients can pay up to $52,000 per head, or $130,000 or more for the full body treatment.

But, as you’d expect from Attic Self Storage, prices are much more reasonable than that. For one day only (today) they are offering a special introductory week-long deep freeze session for just £15 + VAT. Perhaps you have a business meeting you don’t want to attend. Or you just wish to escape your life for a few days and get some much deserved rest and relaxation. Either way, just pop in to Attic Self Storage and chill.

All you need to do is ring the new Cryonic Preservation Tech Support ‘cold line’ on 020 8981 6800, quoting “APRIL FROOZE” to take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer.

Attic really is the future of Self Storage.

 

personal cryonic storage

5 responses to “Self Storage Business Invests in Cryogenics”

  1. Julian Dyer says:

    I’d like to book myself in to wake up in 2089, when Queens Park Rangers will undoubtedly win the Premiership & Champions League. And the World Cup too. Thanks.

    • Frederic de Ryckman de Betz says:

      Dear Mr Dyer, thank you for your enquiry. If you can refrain from drinking or eating anything this morning, please present yourself to our Reception where our staff will perform an initial, but thorough (non-invasive) health examination. You are in time to take advantage of our early-bird offer, congratulations!

  2. Frederic de Ryckman de Betz says:

    Hi Louis. Yes we do, provided they are properly trained. Please also note we offer a walking service, which involves regular thaw & re-freeze, for an additional cost. Many thanks.

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